Theatre Jokes
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 Things that are just NEVER said in Theatre:

 BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
 ... It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
 ... Take your time getting back from break.
 ... We've been ready for hours.
 ... No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
 ... The headsets are working perfectly.
 ... The cue lights are working perfectly.
 ... The orchestra has no complaints.
 ... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
 ... That didn't take long.
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE PRODUCER:
 ... Of course there's enough money to go around.
 ... We have money left over.
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE DIRECTOR:
 ... Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
 ... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
 ... I think the scene changes are too fast.
 ... Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
 ... The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE LIGHTING DESIGNER: 
... I have all the lights I'll need, thank you.
... No I don't mind if you completely change the order of the songs.
... I have all the dimmers I could possibly use.
... Don't you think its just a wee bit bright?
... This is a beautifully designed lighting board, perfect really!
... Hey can I stop by the costume shop and look at the clothes?
... You want to do the first tech rehearsal without stopping? No Problem!
... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE TD:
 ... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen
 ... We built it right the first time.
 ... No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
 ... I love designers.
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE ACTOR:
 ... Don't... Let's not talk about me.
 ... I really think my big scene should be cut.
 ... This costume is SO comfortable.
 ... I love my shoes.
 ... No problem. I can do that for myself.
 ... I have a fantastic agent.
 ... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
 ... I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.
 ... Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

 BY THE STAGE CREW:
 ... That instrument is not in the way.
 ... There's room for that over here.
 ... We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
 ... No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
 ... Anything I can do to help?
 ... All the tools are carefully locked away.
 ... Can we do that scene change again please?
 ... It's a marvelous show.
 ... I don't need this many on the crew.
 ... No thanks, I don't drink.

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Many thanks to Heather Leigh Harrison for sending me this funny stuff.